The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
