You made me cry and you don't even care
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
