am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
