I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Are we still banned from the library?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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