Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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