Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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