He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
