period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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