That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
