How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
