Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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