never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
