I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
