She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
