if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
