I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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