I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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