Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
