time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
there is puke in my bra ... again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
