Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
