Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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