those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The power of my boobs compel you
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
