he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
