I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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