ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
