break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
