just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
