i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just tell him i said nine months
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
