I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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