Im at strip club and am horny
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
