At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
