I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
