...so i touched it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
