you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
