So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
