sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
