Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
