Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
