I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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