Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
