scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
