I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I deserve this hangover.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
