Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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