Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
