I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
