Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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