Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
