is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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