There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
