I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Congratulations! We have a period
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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